Saudade

Tonight I had the opportunity to go out with friends, but I decided to stay in instead. Why would I do such a thing? The one word answer can be found in the title of this entry. If that doesn't convince you, read on. I think there exists no word more fit to describe the current disposition of my mind.

The first reason has to do with health. Overcoming today’s sore throat and the day before yesterday’s fever were both unpleasantly familiar tasks. When I realized that I had a fever, I debated whether or not I should tell my Brazilian family that I was under the weather. Not because they wouldn’t have done anything to help me, but because the thought, “This sure is better when Mom is here,” was in my head. I ended up keeping to myself. And even now that I’m almost 100 percent, I notice a differences in my own behavior. Normally at this stage of any healing process, I would be convinced that I’m recovered enough to carry on with life and go out. But such experiences--missing two football games from pneumonia and leaving senior prom early from strep throat--give me an excuse to stay at home and indulge in feelings of homesickness.

The second reason has to do with American sports. The New Ulm Cathedral Greyhounds just won the school’s first state tournament. I watched it online (with two Rysdahls and one Fischer), but I can’t ignore the fact that I wish I could have been at the dome to watch my boys live and celebrate with my friends. The selfish part of me dares to ask, “Why couldn’t you have waited to win state until I came back?” to which the unselfish part of me replies, “Shut up.”

The third reason has a little to do with science. According to surveys done (I think) by psychologists who work with Rotary, normally at four months exchange students feel the most homesick. I don’t exactly understand why four months is the magic number, but there’s nothing about the proposition that makes me want to disprove it. Even if the graph were a work of fiction and I were only under the illusion of homesickness simply because I know how long I’ve been here, I have a hard time dismissing the feelings that I’m experiencing as unworthy of my own time.

The word to describe it all can be partially defined as follows:

“Portuguese and Galician word difficult to translate, which describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost… In the latter half of the twentieth century, it became associated with the feeling of longing for one’s homeland.”

For those of you who enjoy reading Wikipedia articles about etymologies and such, I strongly recommend this one.

In Brazil, the official holiday is not officially celebrated until January 30th. But with Thanksgiving having just passed and Christmas creeping over the horizon, Saudade Season may as well have begun.

Please don’t get the impression that I’m looking for pity. Saudade is not synonymous with sadness. The truth is, I feel grateful right now. To be numb to this feeling would be unfortunate--in a similar way that it would be unfortunate to not feel sad after the passing of a family member or close friend. The reason I miss home is that I know home is worth missing. And if I can't be home, I might as well be in the place I call my house--at least for tonight.

Congratulations to all Greyhounds; once again, I couldn’t be prouder. Thanks for reading.